When Niceness Stops Working
Politeness has never prevented violence, division, or injustice, but it has certainly enabled it.
I, like many of you, watched the Super Bowl Halftime Show in full delight. During this cultural and political calamity we are enduring, it was nourishing to see something inclusive and full of joy. I said so:
Most of you agreed since I’ve been consistent on socials for a decade, and you are here because you want to be, but I always have a few remnants from my white lady evangelical days. Sara let me know: “Well, there goes my following of Jen Hatmaker. With such a controversial halftime show, TP USA or the Super Bowl, you should have stayed quiet on this one.” (I have since deleted her comment.)
If I had a nickel for every time someone told me to stay quiet on justice issues, I would be a billionaire like Defunct Doge Czar Elon. It’s not just me, of course. Plenty of folks get scolded by the internet: Stick to music. Stick to comedy. Stick to food. Stick to nursing. Stick to parenting content. Be nicer. Be polite. Be more pleasant. Use your voice in ways we like but you better choose silence when we don’t.
Americans are allergic to discomfort, and we entertain a fantasy that more niceness and less resistance would create peace. If only these agitators would speak softer. If only these black men would comply. If only these protestors would stop filming. Then we would finally have the elusive “unity” everyone keeps harping on. The delusion suggests that resistance is the cause of political chaos and not its effect.
Hard truth: politeness and silence has never prevented violence, division, or injustice, but it has certainly enabled it. No one ever said it better than this:
“We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Frankly, I have yet to engage in a direct action campaign that was “well-timed” in the view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word “Wait!” It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This “wait” has almost always meant “never.” We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that “justice too long delayed is justice denied”…There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience.” (Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - Letter from a Birmingham Jail, April 1963)
There is a cost to silence, and it has always been paid by the disenfranchised. We are watching so many Christian leaders go absolutely mute right now, as if they don’t see the suffering this administration has unleashed. Or at long last, once silence is downright diabolical, we get a Christian plain lettuce word salad that equates to #thoughtsandprayers. I can barely discuss the GOP and their refusal to say one solitary word to protect the erosion of our democracy. May we somehow make it to midterms where a blue wave will become a tsunami in Congress.
Also, there is a cost to the souls of the silent. Abdication has a corrosive effect on our integrity. You guys, the stretch of time leading up to my public reversal on LGBTQIA+ relationships felt like metabolizing poison every day. I was sick inside. The discomfort > cognitive dissonance > investigation > evolution > changing my mind became untenable; not doing the right thing was character-crushing. The mental gymnastics required to “stay out of the fray” was a charade. I was just scared and self-protective. Cowardly, in other words.
There are the brazen Christian nationalists who make a mockery of faith with their full chests (the leaders stuffed inside Trump’s clown car), and then there are the silent ones. I can only come up with two explanations for their indefense of Jesus’ gospel:
They secretly agree with white supremacy, anti-immigration, misogyny, anti-science, America First language and policies, and they are privately supportive of Trump’s administration. They won’t say it out loud because it is anti-Christ, but they think it.
They secretly agree with the resistance, but because their livelihood is stocked with MAGA apologists prepared to revoke their consumer dollars and support, they are silent. They won’t say this administration is cruel, corrupt, morally bankrupt, and racist, but they think it.
Either way, at this point, there is no defending silence. None. Silent Christian leader reading this in the privacy of an empty room, please consider this: if your community is full of people who will skewer you for telling the truth about the dehumanization of our neighbors, the unaccountable violence inflicted by ICE, the terrorization of immigrant communities, the unconscionable Epstein files (Trump mentioned over 38,000 times), the vile racism emanating from and defended by the White House, threats to NATO and our global allies, the erasure of DEI, the gutting of USAID, January 6th pardons, 34 felonies, 2 impeachments, environmental deregulation, the self-enriching monetization of the presidency (Trump’s family has generated nearly $4 billion since his reelection), and the shameless daily erosion of decency, dignity, intelligence, and character, then your community is on the wrong side of history and so are you.
History has never sided with human rights abusers, never with racists, never with authoritarians, never with strongmen. If the people you are afraid of upsetting are offended by Bad Bunny but not white supremacy, if they defend Trump’s neverending racism but not nurses murdered by ICE, I would like to suggest that your community is fatally flawed and morally poisoned.
What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but forfeits his soul?? Jesus warned us. He knew we would forfeit our own good character in order to gain, or not lose, which is the same thing. If you are attempting to put Jesus on the side of Christian Nationalists, or perhaps with the nice pleasant “non-devisive” leaders, think again. He would be on the frontlines of every march, in the cold abusive detention centers, with the terrified immigrant families, and standing between ICE and their targets, and you know it. You know it. Your soul knows it.
Silence against injustice is a losing game with no winners. Silent leader, you are not winning. You are losing credibility, legacy, integrity, and your soul. Meanwhile, our neighbors are paying with their lives and livelihood so you don’t lose sales or congregants or followers. Your silence is helping create hell on earth right now.
The win is not to maintain “a negative peace which is the absence of tension” (MLK). The absence of tension may be your highest desire, but the world is begging for courageous leaders right now. The real win is integrity, and it is worth the cost. The real win is justice, and it is worth the cost. The real win is honor, and it is worth the cost. Hopefully the real win will be the preservation of democracy, and that is certainly worth the cost.
If a groundswell of previously disengaged Christian leaders decided to join the resistance for the love of Jesus and neighbor, I can hardly imagine the impact. Millions of people would follow suit. That courage would become a wildfire, because Christians of good conscience actually know we are in a moral and political crisis. Love could do it, it could turn the tide. It, as Bad Bunny reminded us, is the only thing stronger than hate. We are sitting on the antidote because we’re scared of Brenda from Tampa.
Let me promise as someone who was once silent on injustice at the expense of the LGBTQIA+ community and my own integrity: you can do this. All of you. Whether you are a leader of thousands or the leader of your family. Whether your influence is enormous or small. Yes, you will likely experience some losses, but my friend Shannan Martin offered this true advice: “The longer you share, the smaller the loss becomes. I lose relatively fewer followers now because I’ve been diligently, consistently “talking about politics” for YEARS. Keep going. It’s not easy but it doesn’t get harder.”
We don’t need nice people right now. Niceness is no match for the crisis we are in. We need people of conviction. We need John McCain Republicans. We need faith leaders like the Episcopalians. We need ordinary people choosing bravery. We WELCOME former Trump supporters who have changed their minds. This is our moment, and history will evaluate this section of the American story with clear eyes. It will remain unflinching on right and wrong, on heroes and villains; no one is confused about Hitler’s Germany. If you ever wondered what you would have done during the Holocaust, whatever you are doing right now is a pretty clear indicator.
Now is the time. Now is our time.
I’ll wrap up with Dr. King’s words from that Birmingham jail which could have been written this morning:
“There was a time when the church was very powerful--in the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed. In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society. Whenever the early Christians entered a town, the people in power became disturbed and immediately sought to convict the Christians for being “disturbers of the peace” and “outside agitators.”’ But the Christians pressed on, in the conviction that they were a colony of heaven, called to obey God rather than man. Small in number, they were big in commitment. They were too God-intoxicated to be astronomically intimidated. By their effort and example they brought an end to such ancient evils as infanticide and gladiatorial contests.
Things are different now. So often the contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is an archdefender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church’s silent--and often even vocal--sanction of things as they are.
But the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. If today’s church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century.”
Amen.
After writing something like this, I’m always aware of what it leaves behind in the body.
Conviction can bring clarity, but it can also exhaust us. Naming injustice sharpens our vision, but it can stir grief, fear, anger, resolve, and a thousand unnamed emotions all at once. When the stakes are this high, staying awake is not just an intellectual exercise. It is embodied. Emotional. Spiritual. Relational.
Over the past few weeks, many of us have been sitting with that exact tension. We recently gathered for the Wake-Up Call, a conversation for people who could feel something shifting in their faith, their emotional lives, their sense of integrity, and their understanding of what this moment is asking of them. Not to fix it. Not to tidy it up. Just to notice it honestly.
What emerged was not answers so much as awareness. And awareness, I’ve learned, needs a place to land if it’s going to stay with us.
That is why I created The AWAKE Collective, a quiet, ongoing space here on Substack for women in midlife who are paying attention.
It is a place to return when something is stirring and you don’t want to rush clarity or turn your life into another self-improvement project. A place to stay with what you’re noticing in your relationships, your body, your faith, your mental and emotional health, and your inner life, without doing it alone.
If you joined the Wake-Up Call live, watched the replay later, or are just finding this space now—you’re not behind. This work unfolds in real time, and it keeps unfolding.
For those who choose to step further into this space, The AWAKE Collective includes monthly reflections, gentle practices, live gatherings, and a shared community thread designed to support awareness without urgency.
The AWAKE Collective is included with a paid subscription to my Substack “Letters from the Middle” for $8/month (cancel anytime).
If you’re already a paid member, you now have access to the Wake-Up Call Reflection Guide below.
Inside, you’ll find:
• Gentle journaling prompts
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• A closing reflection to help integrate what surfaced
• Resources from the voices who guided the Wake-Up Call
Access the Wake-Up Call Reflection Guide here: